The following quote is from Peter Rollins’ Insurrection: “They express an image of ourselves that we would like other people to believe reflects who we are.” What is the “they” that Rollins is writing about? Social networking sites like Twitter, Facebook etc.
The truth of this, at least for my life, really struck me. You see, one of my goals in life is to be transparent: to reflect the good, the bad and the ugly. Yet when I look at the things that I post on Facebook it is apparent that I try to reflect only the things are good. Why? Because I want others to believe that that is what I am: good. Therefore, I thought I would take the time to be a little more transparent and write about one instance of the ugly and bad since this weekend presented itself with a great opportunity.
Last week my wife, Helene, and I decided to arrange an in-home romantic night with enough time to really enjoy spending time uninterrupted together. We often struggle with finding enough time to just be together intimately without schedules and places to run to, so this was to be the kickoff of a new year’s resolution to intentionally spend more romantic time together. We decided to have our first romantic date of the year on Sunday evening after we got back from kayaking together on the Potomac River. My inability to communicate clearly or really at all and my obsession with the Baltimore Ravens would spoil what could have been a great romantic evening with my wife.
We finished paddling right as the game was starting. I was excited about getting to listen to the game on the way home. By the time we got home I was hooked. There was no way that I was going to be able to be emotionally available until the game was over. This is a rather embarrassing confession but this would be the third time this year that I have listened to an entire Raven’s game on the radio while sitting in my car in the driveway. This is because we do not have a TV with any reception in the house. Nor do we have a radio with decent reception. I assumed that 7:30, the time at which the game would be over, would surely be early enough for us to start the romantic evening we had planned.
I came in at half-time to grab a beer for the second half and noticed that Helene had set up the living room with a comforter in front of the fireplace, candles and even flower pedals from our wedding night. It was at this point that I felt slightly trapped. I believed that I had two choices. First, I could continue to listen to the game in the car. Second, I could join Helene in the living room knowing that I would not be able to be present in that moment. I chose the first option much to Helene’s very-much-warranted chagrin. Sadly, I simply stated to Helene that I planned to listen to the rest of the game in the car.
I was completely oblivious to a third option: communicate! Despite feeling trapped into believing that I only had the two choices, I was also excited about a romantic evening with my beautiful wife. Why did I not see that I could have shared everything that I was feeling with Her? I am not sure how the following statement would have gone over but, it would have been much better than neglecting my wife for my selfish desire to listen to the game. “Sweetie, I am so excited about spending a romantic evening with you and I love the way that you have set up the living room. It is now almost 6:00. I know it may not make sense to you, but I am emotionally tied up with this football game. If I listen to the rest of the game, which will be over around 7:30, we can have our romantic evening together and I will be able to give you the attention that you need and deserve. Is that okay with you?”
As a result of me choosing not to communicate, the rest of the evening was rather tense and instead of us growing closer together as originally intended, there was a lot of silences and cold shouldering and unhappy vibes going around. Thankfully, Helene and I did have a great conversation about all this the following day—that conversation and reading Rollins’ quote is what sparked the idea of me sharing this.
We ended up having our romantic night the following night, after having learned much about each other—Helene had no idea, even after 4.5 years together, that I actually make a point of listening to most Ravens games on Sunday! My hope is that there is something here you can use to deepen your relationship(s) and that a more accurate view of myself is reflected—some “bad” and “ugly” to go with the “good.”
PS: Helene says she’d like to acknowledge that in that moment, she was just as unable to communicate any of her conflicted emotions as I was – it takes two to forget to communicate J
