Several weeks ago our housemate, Chris, told us that he may need to move out much sooner than the October time frame that we had originally agreed upon when he moved in. He also stated that he would have more information in several weeks. Last Friday Helene and I were watching ‘Knight and Day’ when Chris politely interrupted us to say that he will indeed be leaving on May first. To put it mildly Helene and I were not at all excited about this news. However, as the conversation went down Friday evening, Helene and I both expressed how happy we were for Chris that he had gotten the unpaid internship that he was hoping to get while neglecting to express the sense of betrayal that we both felt for Chris breaking his agreement to stay with us through October.
I must say that if there is one area of our marriage that Helene and I need to grow in it is in confronting conflict. Both of us pretty much run from conflict whenever we are given the chance. Thankfully, we are both aware of this—I believe being aware of the issue accounts for half the battle. With that said it was not difficult for us both to realize that this running away or avoidance of conflict is exactly what both of us were doing with our situation with Chris. After Helene and I finished watching the movie we both agreed that we should reopen the dialogue with Chris for a number of reasons. We believed it was not fair to ourselves to not express how we really felt to Chris. Moreover, if we considered Chris to be a true friend we also believed that it was not fair for Chris to not know how we felt; Helene and I both discussed the strong possibility of growing resentments at the prospect of having to pay additional rent, searching for a new housemate, and/or searching for a new place to live.
So, the decision to reopen the dialogue was made. I must say that was the easy part. I remember the lump in my stomach as I walked upstairs knowing that I would need to initiate a conversation that could be contentious in nature. Initiating and then having the conversation was really difficult.
Once upstairs I noticed that Chris was in his room with the door closed. However, I did notice that the light was still on; I remember thinking that I wish the light was out which would have made it really easy to make an excuse about not wanting to wake Chris up and that we could just discuss this tomorrow. Furthermore, I remember Helene asking me if I wanted to knock on his door to see if he could talk. My emphatic answer to Helene’s question was, “No.” However, I also remember adding to that response, “However, what I want to do and what I should do are two separate things and knocking and asking Chris to talk some more is what I should do.” So, I did what I should do and asked Chris if we could reopen our conversation from earlier that evening.
What transpired from this conversation was an awkward openness and sharing from all three of us. Jesus is quoted as saying, “The truth shall set you free.” Neither Helene’s nor my motivation for wanting to reopen the dialogue with Chris was to get him to change his mind, but to simply share what was on our hearts and how we felt about the decision that Chris had made to move out. Helene and I did that as openly and as honestly as we possibly could. I must say that it was a very uncomfortable thing for me to do and it was difficult as well. Afterwards though, I felt free and I was able to truly love Chris instead of harboring resentments toward him--there is irony in the fact that sometimes the things that will give us freedom and help us grow are the things that are the most difficult.
When I discussed doing a blog entry about this with Helene, she mentioned that we just had our side of it. We really had no idea what was going through Chris’ mind and hearts with respect to our conversation. My wife brought up a really good point. After asking Chris if he could share his thoughts on our conversation he graciously agreed to write a brief summary of it. I would like to close with what Chris wrote:
I stood outside of the TV room for a minute or two, just staring at the door. I knew that on the other side, Steve and Helene were enjoying a movie. And I also knew that what I had to tell them would probably put a damper on their evening. But I finally mustered up the courage to poke my head through the door, and politely ask if I could interrupt their movie to talk to them. They agreed, so I shuffled in and plopped down on the couch, gave them the “good” news first (I got a job) and the worse news second (I would have to move out). To my great surprise, they seemed supportive, even relieved that I would have a job this summer. The conversation didn’t last very long, and as I left the room, I couldn’t help but think, “That was almost too easy…” My suspicions were deepened when I didn’t hear the movie resume for several minutes afterward, and then later confirmed when I heard Steve knock on my door later that evening. I knew exactly what was going to happen next, and I knew the next few minutes of my life were going to be painfully awkward at best. But in the end, we all walked away feeling a lot better. I think the big thing I took away from the evening is that there’s more to “loving thy neighbor” than just being a nice guy. Sometimes, you have to be lovingly (even brutally) honest, and as Christians, it’s our responsibility to not only love each other, but to love each other enough to tell one another when we’re upset. I think it’s clear throughout the Bible that Jesus had no problem rebuking His disciples – be He did it because He loved them. If we truly seek to model Christ’s behavior, we need to learn to be honest with each other, even about the hard stuff, like sharing our frustrations with each other. By following Jesus’ example of being intentional and embracing the awkwardness of conflict, we grow closer to God, and in doing so, we not only grow ourselves spiritually, but we grow in our relationships with others. It’s uncomfortable and difficult… But is it not difficult for a seed to struggle through the soil it is buried under? And yet, if it failed to struggle through to the surface, it would never grow into a tree. Now there’s a lesson that everyone can learn from.
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